So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
