i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
