If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
