1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And then he peed in my hair
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