If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
