Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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