Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
