I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
