so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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