She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did i walk over a car last night?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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