thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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