Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
