After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
