i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
