I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
