Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize