remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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