Cold hands, warm shart.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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