feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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