I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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