I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
