It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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