Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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