a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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