It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
