can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
