1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he quoted the bible to break up with me
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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