24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
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I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair