Texts From Last Night

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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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  (440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it? (1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even? http://tfl.nu/6ni1
  Replies (20) Good night (5290) Bad night (487)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?

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  (224): So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went? http://tfl.nu/eczc
  Replies (46) Good night (4421) Bad night (952)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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  (612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them http://tfl.nu/fxji
  Replies (37) Good night (796) Bad night (3757)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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  (937): Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship? http://tfl.nu/9ufc
  Replies (12) Good night (3845) Bad night (903)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.

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  (781): Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad. http://tfl.nu/2wvl
  Replies (20) Good night (1478) Bad night (4954)
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3926) Bad night (749)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.

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  (314): Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober. http://tfl.nu/dut2
  Replies (5) Good night (1459) Bad night (517)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed

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  (330): He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed http://tfl.nu/pn7a
  Replies (4) Good night (943) Bad night (501)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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  (+61): It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?" http://tfl.nu/jtkv
  Replies (7) Good night (796) Bad night (409)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.

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  (440): So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too. http://tfl.nu/fbz1
  Replies (3) Good night (398) Bad night (870)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.

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  (204): I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk. http://tfl.nu/i2hd
  Replies (1) Good night (1024) Bad night (492)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"

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  (214): I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy" http://tfl.nu/b3zm
  Replies (3) Good night (862) Bad night (863)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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  (918): I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand. http://tfl.nu/relm
  Replies (6) Good night (1070) Bad night (520)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave

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  (814): I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave http://tfl.nu/mtmf
  Replies (5) Good night (318) Bad night (828)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night

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  (860): I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night http://tfl.nu/320l
  Replies (2) Good night (227) Bad night (590)

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