if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
