Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
