Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
