Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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