Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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