I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
