You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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