I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
