I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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