i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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