oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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