i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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