I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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