you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
