everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
