I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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