if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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