M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
