Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
