dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
