I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
