bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail