he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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