I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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