would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
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Watching her eat just hurts me
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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