I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We were destined to go to rehab together
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
