thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
