Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
