All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i will never coherently bang her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
