Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
