i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
