a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You were trust falling into bushes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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